ASYNCHRONOUS GAMING IS SEXIER THAN IT SOUNDS
Chances are, the next time I fire up a multiplayer match in Call of Duty, I’ll be swiftly shot to death by an eight-year-old. It’s a weird state of affairs, really. Developers spend a lot of money making online games pretty and entertaining; being teabagged by the cast of Annie doesn’t really seem like the optimal outcome.
Still, if all you’re really after is basic PvP interaction, there’s a solution of sorts – even if it doesn’t yet work for shooters. It’s called asynchronous gaming, and it’s multiplayer, but you don’t have to show up at the same time as whomever you’re planning on playing against. You take a turn whenever you want, and then your rival takes a turn whenever they want. If they still want to teabag you, they’re going to have to come over to your house and do it in person.
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FASHION WEEK INTERNATIONALE: NIGERIA FASHION WEEK - Part 2
We spend the day with the insightful and exuberant hairdresser Blessed. He takes us into the ‘hood, through an insane market to the salon where he used to work, leading to an unlikely revelation that he – like most of the men in his industry – has occasionally been “gay-for-pay” to further his career as a stylist. As he says, “In the Nigerian fashion industry, to get ahead you need to be gay or have God.”
Speaking of God, Charlet meets up with the former 419 scammer, now turned God-fearing fashion photographer Justice Karo, who went from doing impressions of females to extort money out of lonely male Australians, but has now turned over a new leaf. Despite his new profession as a fashion photographer, Justice believes that fashion week is the work of the devil.
Watch the film here
CALM HAS BROKEN OUT IN CAIRO
The calm atmosphere gave us time to reflect on a crucial question. Namely – just what the fuck is the army up to? Why are they trying to hang on to power, even though they know that they’re probably going to have to give it up sooner or later (officially, anyway)?
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SAUDI ARABIA VS. ISRAEL: IT’S CYBER WARFARE!
Guess what, everybody? Arabs and Israelis have found a new way to hate each other. Since the turn of the year, a hacking war has been taking place in the Middle East. The conflict was primarily ignited by two guys: one called ‘0xOmar’, who’s battling for Saudi Arabia and claims to be from the Saudi capital of Kiyadh, and another called (confusingly) ‘OxOmer’, aka Omer Cohen, an IDF soldier and proud Israeli. Between them, these two men have been leading newly-formed legions of keyboard warriors in a rush and a push to spill the other side’s credit card details all over the web and generally make their lives as tedious and annoying as possible.
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TALKING DIRTY WITH EDMUND WHITE
Have you ever been in love with a straight man? What happened?
Yes. A straight guy I sucked off in the 60s while he pretended to be asleep. Several times. He was a pompous lawyer with bad skin. I loved a wrestler in college who loved jazz and shot up heroin. Just as I was about to give my speech on how his friendship was enough he pulled down his underpants and revealed a big hard dick.
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PEN PALS - A DAY ON THE INSIDE
I guess what I’m trying to say is that an average day in jail is mostly just boring. The best you can hope for is meeting a couple fellers who you genuinely get along with, but let me tell you, that’s not easy, especially when you’re somewhat of an outsider. The prison demographic is pretty monochromatically moronic, so you better learn how to amuse yourself. I took up cock puppetry, AKA Kegel exercises. I’m trying to get a special on OWN, but that uptight cunt Oprah is giving me the runaround. I can’t win.
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DO YOU WANT TO JOIN MY CANNABIS CLUB?
The liberal political party in Germany, “Die Linke”, is pushing to make marijuana legal as long as it’s been cultivated in so-called Cannabis Social Clubs (CSCs). Under the proposed legalisation, people could become members of a CSC club and take a gram of marijuana home with them each day. Furthermore, motorists who are caught with THC coursing happily through their bloodstreams would not lose their licenses as easily. Similar legislation is already in place in Spain and Belgium, and unsurprisingly crusties and amateur stoners alike are attending such clubs in scores.
Since 2002, Georg Wurth has been the spokesman, director and owner of the German Hemp Collective. In 1996, he was charged with possession of four grams of marijuana, and so took it upon himself to get the ball rolling on the legalisation debate. To his misfortune (or fortune?), his charge brought him to the highest place possible, Germany’s Federal Constitutional Court, but it’s his 2010 petition, titled “Cannabis Consumer Decriminilisation”, that has played a major role in getting Die Linke to take these proposals to parliament.
I spoke to Georg the day before Die Link put the proposals he helped shape to parliament.
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YOUR TOWN IS A PARADISE: ROTTERDAM
After establishing that this island is a cloudy, intoxicated little Eden of weapon dogs staring nonplussed at burning buildings, imodest women and subways guarded by homeless jesters, we moved to greener, international pastures.
So if you are free to cross borders this weekend, our friend Milan Boonstra highly recommends you visit Rotterdam where it is very likely that you’ll experience first-hand what it feels like to have blood dripping all over your face.
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EXPLAINING AMERICAN FOOTBALL TO THE BRITISH
3. Being fat.
One American football stereotype is that the guys are really fat. I recall a man named “the Fridge”, various players with the epithet “big” and another who may have been called “deep freeze”. Do these guys ever need to run and, if they had to, would they even be able to? Do they often die of heart-related diseases/ go on to advertise fat-laden foods?
You are speaking of the lineman. These monsters weigh in at over 300 pounds (21 stone). They’re not “eligible”, meaning they cannot be thrown or handed the ball on purpose. Occasionally through some twist of fate, a fumble or interception will land in their buttery, oversized hands, resulting in the glory of a fat man running. And running. And running. I could watch these all day.
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GIRL EATS FOOD - VEGAN CORNISH PASTIES
As I’ve explained before, I come from a family where the general culinary consensus on how to deal with anything with a face is to kill it, cook it, drown it in animal by-products… then eat it. Once I was freed from my mother’s apron strings, it took me a while to understand people who didn’t enjoy meat. I didn’t understand that asking whether they valued animal life on a scale of cuteness or size wasn’t the right way to approach vegans.
So, in an effort to be more open-minded, I’m extending an ethically farmed olive branch to all my meat-hating homies. The only thing killed in making these scrumptious gyoza fried dumplings is my patience for militant veganism and possibly a couple thousand field mice from harvesting all that flour.
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I TALKED BOOKS TO BROS ON CHATROULETTE
Historically, Chatroulette is a site centered on giving dudes an anonymous place to display their dicks to an endless stream of strangers. Guys who aren’t showing their dicks are often waiting to see a dick or talking shit to the guys with their dicks out or, perhaps most often, trying to convince the significantly smaller population of females to get naked too. People who aren’t on Chatroulette for any of the above reasons often seem to not know why they’re there, aside from the fact that sometimes doing nothing online is theof the spectacle itself, and that Chatroulette is a great place to run into some real freaks. The other night I fell into the latter camp and decided I’d turn on my cam and sit there holding up random books from around my apartment in hopes of getting some of these bros’ opinions on contemporary literature. Here’s what happened.
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FASHION WEEK INTERNATIONALE: NIGERIA FASHION WEEK - Part 1
Charlet hops off the plane and meets Lexy Mojo-Eyes, the head of Nigeria Fashion Week and premier model agency “Legendary Gold.” Then we’re treated to quirky runway walks, the Nigerian definition of “swag,” and a sweet serenade from the male models.
We then move onto fashion week, which was delayed over two hours. We meet Dabo, a particularly unique fashion designer who seemingly comes from Mars. In between the astonishingly late shows Charlet is given more insight of what it’s like for a gay man to live in a notoriously homophobic society
Watch the film here
HEY SIMON COWELL, PISS OFF WITH YOUR DJS
So a bunch of turntablists are presumably up-in-arms about Simon Cowell buying into their subculture. He’s announced that he’s going to be launching an X Factor type of thing, but for DJs. I mean, how long is it going to be before he’s macking onto the other four disciplines of hip-hop: graffiti, rap, breakdancing and shoes?
Will Smith and his weird emo wife are also involved in the deal. And so, you must imagine, are the people who nearly expired from cringe as Simon Cowell shuffled up to them at a party and explained that he could see a big future in rap music, now that Cher Lloyd had broken down the barriers (and we must be talking rap and hip-hop here, unless Cowell’s planning to entrance the nation’s housewives with an hour-long extravaganza of deep house every Saturday night).
But hey! DJs, don’t just sit there crying onto your decks! I know you’re upset that the mainstream is trying to co-opt your artform, but now is not the time to go down quietly! Pack up your Michael Viner’s Incredible Bongo Band records, turn your cap to rap-o’clock, sharpen your needles, polish your vinyl and go and throw all that stuff off a bridge. Then, instead of being a pompous embarrassment, read this article VICE wrote long before you were born about WHY DJING IS CRAP.
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