QUANGO - WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO LOSE A KNIGHTHOOD?
It is July 2012. Tuesday afternoon. Sir Fred Goodwin is sat before his alabaster coffee table in his Edinburgh living room, clicking through his Sky+, looking for the golf highlights he thought he’d taped but now has no idea whether they’re still there or not. “Fucking thing doesn’t work,” he curses.
The post falls through the letterbox, onto the mat he was given as a leaving present from RBS. The one that reads: “WELCOME. NOW FUCK OFF.” Bored out of his tiny master of the universe mind, Fred trudges over to open it, in search of stimulation. He picks the one with the red embossed Royal seal first, reeling visibly as its contents unfold to him.
“Sir Fred,” it says. “Or should we say: Fred. Remember that knighthood we gave you? Well we, the Forfeiture Committee, have hereby decided that you don’t deserve it. So we’re taking it back. The Queen will un-knight you in a ceremony at Buckingham Palace later this year. Ta-ra.”
“Fucking hell,” he intones to no one. “I had literally no idea people were upset about all that bother. I mean, I thought the daily public flayings in the tabloids were meant as a joke. But I guess they’ve really shown me they’re serious now.”
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