A mega-meringue topped with cream, corner-shop penny sweets and a sprinkle of pop rocks, served with a peach schnapps and ice cream float, that will conjure up nostalgia from kiddy-hood all the way through to the awkwardness of puberty… it’s Girl Eats Food, episode one!
Watch the film here
GIRL EATS FOOD: ELVIS PRESLEY FOOD PLATTER
Famously, Presley was hospitalised for severe colon blockage, not once, but twice IN THE SAME YEAR. He was also on daily medication because it was the only way to keep his butthole dilated enough for him to actually defecate out of it. So for the love of Christ, if you’re going to actually eat any of this, please follow it with a laxative chaser and don’t blame me if you have an embolism trying to curl one out. (If you do, maybe a leave a note telling your family/lawyer to see things on the bright side. Hey, c’mon, it’ll be you and The King, shitting yourselves to death in Heaven.)
Read the full article here
GIRL EATS FOOD - LINGERIE LONGANISA
Chorizo, followed closely by feta-stuffed olives and limoncello, is top of my ~rustic~ buzz-food hit list. Listen up, Beatrice and Rupes, cos Imma show you how to home-cook this shit and save the pennies you’ll need to get Ma and Pa veneers when the sherry finally rots their teeth away.
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GIRL EATS FOOD - BAKED BEAN GNOCCHI
My trick for quickly poshing up any ingredient is to hide it in Italian food. It’s a cuisine that constantly proves that, if you gesticulate enough and put vowels on the end of every dish, you can make what is essentially dough balls sound like it requires three sous chefs and a bath full of truffle oil. I’m onto you Italy, you delicious charlatans.
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GIRL EATS FOOD - EASTER SPECIAL!
For most, Easter’s just a weekend of ramming cheap chocolate into your gob, and lulzing at re-runs of Jim Caviezel trying to make crucifixion look bravura in The Passion of the Christ. But if you were raised Catholic, it involves losing your culinary shit harder than Mel Gibson. So, after a month of being pious and making care packages for orphans, here’s yet another opportunity to binge eat in the name of Jesus.
See Jo’s Easter recipes here.
GIRL EATS FOOD - SKITTLES CUPS
As gloriously diabetic as Skittles are, there aren’t that many ways of tasting the rainbow™ outside of listlessly inhaling them from a vending machine packet. Put them in ice-cream, and they freeze into molar-smashing rocks. Put them in cookies, and they collapse into tasteless grit. Even the infamous Skittle Bräu just ends in you yacking up kaleidoscopic chunks. So, by far the best LOLternative way of eating Skittles is suspending them in a mousse slop.
Read the full article here
GIRL EATS FOOD - AVOCADO ECLAIRS
The avocado: light of my life, jewel of my diet and chock full of potassium to keep my prostate glowing. But, for some reason, it’s a fruit that regularly tops those ‘foods that kids hate’ polls that things like The Telegraph like to run. One theory is that children are all difficult dickwipes and parents would rather just shovel undercooked Alphabites into their offspring to keep them subdued. The other is that people don’t know what to do with avocados outside of making industrial amounts of guacamole. So, courageous pioneer that I am, I thought of a way to make this admittedly quite weird fruit more sexy (basically; add sugar, whipped cream, more sugar and buttery pastry).
Read the full article here
GIRL EATS FOOD - LUTHER (VANDROSS) SLIDERS
The story goes that a ravenous Luther Vandross, on one of his many violent and belligerent hunts for a midnight snack, demanded a burger from a backwater bar in Georgia. On realising that they had no buns left, in desperation they used a glazed donut instead. Cowering with fear, they served it to the soul singer, only to find that, quite by accident, they’d created something as sublime as it was perverse. Vandross left a happy and fed man, having only caused $10,000 worth of damage to the bar. An alternative history is that once he’d tasted it, the crooner politely gave it the thumbs up and Mulligan’s bar have been riding on the tale ever since.
Read the full article here
PANCAKE DAY Y’ALL
GIRL EATS FOOD - RED VELVET PANCAKES AND CREME EGG SAUCE
Just when I thought my calendar was running low on food-related holidays, Shrove Tuesday comes along! Thanks, Christianity! To commemorate Jesus going for a walk in the desert or something, people usually spend it eating pancakes until they’re involuntarily dribbling batter out from their nose. The way I see it though, you may as well treat yourself to some extra luxurious pancakes to give you some sustenance before Lent means you can’t eat sugar because you’re spending the month beating yourself with a pair of tights full of razors.
Read the full article here
(Source: viceuk, via jofuertesknight)
GIRL EATS FOOD - RED VELVET PANCAKES AND CREME EGG SAUCE
Just when I thought my calendar was running low on food-related holidays, Shrove Tuesday comes along! Thanks, Christianity! To commemorate Jesus going for a walk in the desert or something, people usually spend it eating pancakes until they’re involuntarily dribbling batter out from their nose. The way I see it though, you may as well treat yourself to some extra luxurious pancakes to give you some sustenance before Lent means you can’t eat sugar because you’re spending the month beating yourself with a pair of tights full of razors.
Read the full article here
GIRL EATS FOOD - DE NIRO GUINNESS TIRAMISU
Seeing as how Irish people are all drunks, I was always confused as to why their alcoholic pride and joy, Guinness, tastes like acetone-sodden mud and leaves me comatose for a week. So, while I’m assured that drinking Guinness in its birthplace of Dublin is like suckling liquid gold from the teat of Mother Nature, a great way of getting the best out of the inferior piss that’s imported to our supermarkets is to complement it with an industrial amount of dairy and more alcohol.
For today’s purposes, we’ll be sourcing our extra alcohol from Italy, which is why it’s named after my favourite Irish-Italian actor who didn’t play Danny Zuko in Grease.
Read the full article here
GIRL EATS FOOD - VEGAN CORNISH PASTIES
As I’ve explained before, I come from a family where the general culinary consensus on how to deal with anything with a face is to kill it, cook it, drown it in animal by-products… then eat it. Once I was freed from my mother’s apron strings, it took me a while to understand people who didn’t enjoy meat. I didn’t understand that asking whether they valued animal life on a scale of cuteness or size wasn’t the right way to approach vegans.
So, in an effort to be more open-minded, I’m extending an ethically farmed olive branch to all my meat-hating homies. The only thing killed in making these scrumptious gyoza fried dumplings is my patience for militant veganism and possibly a couple thousand field mice from harvesting all that flour.
Read the full article here
Joanna Fuertes-Knight has been teaching you guys how to cook for so bloody long now, that we thought she deserved her own VICE.com cookbook.
So, finally, here is a compendium of every meal she’s ever poured her blood, sweat and tears into on this here website.
See the full cookbook here
So now that you’ve all pooped your guts out using some au naturel detox witchcraft, you can get back to eating real food, otherwise known as treating your mouth like a dumpster for calories and additives. There’s no better way of celebrating the death of your New Year’s resolutions than with a recipe that’s 80 percent comprised of stuff clowns wear on their face. That’s right – above stem cell research and lava lamps, entirely chemical-based food colourings really are one of the greatest developments in science, bringing joy to people regardless of their age, race or Ritalin prescription.
Read the full article here
GIRL EATS FOOD: BEEF STEAK IN BANANA SAUCE
Sure, expensive meat is a nice, offalless treat every now and again, but a slab of sturdy top rump is the ride-or-die chick of the steak world.
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