CELEBRITY DISCHARGE - TENTH BIRTHDAY SPECIAL

POPPING CANDY PAVLOVA

A mega-meringue topped with cream, corner-shop penny sweets and a sprinkle of pop rocks, served with a peach schnapps and ice cream float, that will conjure up nostalgia from kiddy-hood all the way through to the awkwardness of puberty… it’s Girl Eats Food, episode one!

Watch the film here

Girl Eats Food Trailer

Ever since Joanna Fuertes-Knight first appeared on VICE talking about deep fat frying and renal failure, we’ve known she was destined for stardom. And while her column has never been anything less than hilarious, and her recipes unfailingly delicious, she really deserved to dance free on our screens rather than be confined to the static prison of text and photographs. Which is why we decided to give her her own show.

If you’re already au fait with Girl Eats Food, then the trailer above should reassure you that it’s the same mixture of food, lulz and softcore sex chat that you’re already desperately in love with. If you’re not, familiarise yourself with all of Jo’s previous recipes in the Girl Eats Food online cookbook.

JF-K will be smothering creamy batter over her breasts in the first episode of Girl Eats Food this Thursday, the 24th of May. Trust me, it’s gonna be great: like Rachel Khoo with a libido, Lorraine Pascale with a personality or Nigella Lawson without a billionaire husband.

Bone-appetit!

Watch the trailer for the Girl Eats Food show here.

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GIRL EATS FOOD: ELVIS PRESLEY FOOD PLATTER

Famously, Presley was hospitalised for severe colon blockage, not once, but twice IN THE SAME YEAR. He was also on daily medication because it was the only way to keep his butthole dilated enough for him to actually defecate out of it. So for the love of Christ, if you’re going to actually eat any of this, please follow it with a laxative chaser and don’t blame me if you have an embolism trying to curl one out. (If you do, maybe a leave a note telling your family/lawyer to see things on the bright side. Hey, c’mon, it’ll be you and The King, shitting yourselves to death in Heaven.)

Read the full article here

GIRL EATS FOOD - LINGERIE LONGANISA

Chorizo, followed closely by feta-stuffed olives and limoncello, is top of my ~rustic~ buzz-food hit list. Listen up, Beatrice and Rupes, cos Imma show you how to home-cook this shit and save the pennies you’ll need to get Ma and Pa veneers when the sherry finally rots their teeth away.

Read the full article here

GIRL EATS FOOD - OREO EXTRAVAGANZA

Do you know why 2012 is significant? It’s not because we’re counting down the last, precious days before we’re all horribly vapourised when the sun swallows the Earth, but because it’s the 100th birthday of the mighty Oreo! So much more than just a racial slur, the Oreo cookie was born before both the Titanic and Eva Braun and still manages to stunt on other snacks. It makes the chocolate bourbon look like an out-of-shape, syphilitic hooker with famine tits.

So to say happy birthday, I present to you a triple whammy of Oreo laden recipes that’ll get you vomiting cocoa crumbs out your nose before the day is out.

See the recipes here.

GIRL EATS FOOD - BABIED RIBS

Babies are lazy bastards. When they’re not pretending they can’t walk so they can spend all day being pushed around asleep in a pram, they’re listlessly having their asses wiped because they can’t be bothered to go to the toilet. They’re so lazy, in fact, that they can’t even be bothered to chew, let alone lift their own cutlery. But I’m on to you frauds and your tiny jars of all-in-one meal slush, and I’m coming to take your food away.

Read about Joanna Fuertes-Knight’s Babies Ribs here.

GIRL EATS FOOD - AVOCADO ECLAIRS

The avocado: light of my life, jewel of my diet and chock full of potassium to keep my prostate glowing. But, for some reason, it’s a fruit that regularly tops those ‘foods that kids hate’ polls that things like The Telegraph like to run. One theory is that children are all difficult dickwipes and parents would rather just shovel undercooked Alphabites into their offspring to keep them subdued. The other is that people don’t know what to do with avocados outside of making industrial amounts of guacamole. So, courageous pioneer that I am, I thought of a way to make this admittedly quite weird fruit more sexy (basically; add sugar, whipped cream, more sugar and buttery pastry).

Read the full article here

GIRL EATS FOOD - LUTHER (VANDROSS) SLIDERS

The story goes that a ravenous Luther Vandross, on one of his many violent and belligerent hunts for a midnight snack, demanded a burger from a backwater bar in Georgia. On realising that they had no buns left, in desperation they used a glazed donut instead. Cowering with fear, they served it to the soul singer, only to find that, quite by accident, they’d created something as sublime as it was perverse. Vandross left a happy and fed man, having only caused $10,000 worth of damage to the bar. An alternative history is that once he’d tasted it, the crooner politely gave it the thumbs up and Mulligan’s bar have been riding on the tale ever since.

Read the full article here

jofuertesknight:

PANCAKE DAY Y’ALL

GIRL EATS FOOD - RED VELVET PANCAKES AND CREME EGG SAUCE

Just when I thought my calendar was running low on food-related holidays, Shrove Tuesday comes along! Thanks, Christianity! To commemorate Jesus going for a walk in the desert or something, people usually spend it eating pancakes until they’re involuntarily dribbling batter out from their nose. The way I see it though, you may as well treat yourself to some extra luxurious pancakes to give you some sustenance before Lent means you can’t eat sugar because you’re spending the month beating yourself with a pair of tights full of razors.

Read the full article here

(Source: viceuk)

GIRL EATS FOOD - RED VELVET PANCAKES AND CREME EGG SAUCE

Just when I thought my calendar was running low on food-related holidays, Shrove Tuesday comes along! Thanks, Christianity! To commemorate Jesus going for a walk in the desert or something, people usually spend it eating pancakes until they’re involuntarily dribbling batter out from their nose. The way I see it though, you may as well treat yourself to some extra luxurious pancakes to give you some sustenance before Lent means you can’t eat sugar because you’re spending the month beating yourself with a pair of tights full of razors.

Read the full article here

GIRL EATS FOOD - DE NIRO GUINNESS TIRAMISU

Seeing as how Irish people are all drunks, I was always confused as to why their alcoholic pride and joy, Guinness, tastes like acetone-sodden mud and leaves me comatose for a week. So, while I’m assured that drinking Guinness in its birthplace of Dublin is like suckling liquid gold from the teat of Mother Nature, a great way of getting the best out of the inferior piss that’s imported to our supermarkets is to complement it with an industrial amount of dairy and more alcohol.

For today’s purposes, we’ll be sourcing our extra alcohol from Italy, which is why it’s named after my favourite Irish-Italian actor who didn’t play Danny Zuko in Grease.

Read the full article here

GIRL EATS FOOD - RAINBOW CAKE

So now that you’ve all pooped your guts out using some au naturel detox witchcraft, you can get back to eating real food, otherwise known as treating your mouth like a dumpster for calories and additives. There’s no better way of celebrating the death of your New Year’s resolutions than with a recipe that’s 80 percent comprised of stuff clowns wear on their face. That’s right – above stem cell research and lava lamps, entirely chemical-based food colourings really are one of the greatest developments in science, bringing joy to people regardless of their age, race or Ritalin prescription.

Read the full article here